OK, it’s about time to give a status report. I am pretty quick to run to this blog and sound the alarm when everything is in turmoil but I have been remiss in sounding the “all clear” siren when the danger has subsided. Well the sound you hear emanating from this blog is signal that I can emerge from my bunker to bask in the sunlight and breathe the fresh air.
I have been in my new job as a working partner of my Internet-based business for almost 4 weeks now. It has been a truly liberating and satisfying experience so far. As an example, for the past year or so, getting up in the morning was an effort. I live a half-mile from that office and it was all I could do to make it there near the 8 AM start of the business day. Now I find myself waking at 5:30 or 6 am raring to go. There is a 6:45 Mass at the Dominican nuns’ monastery up the street from my new office and I have been able to make it more than a few times.
That about says it all. What a difference!
Naturally, I had some concerns about the viability of this enterprise since this is not an established company with proven revenue stream. So far, so good! We have sold out the first phase of the program and are making great progress on the next phase. Things are actually progressing much faster than we anticipated and that is very encouraging.
In addition, I am still doing some project work for my former employer. This is really interesting because I was asked to stay involved for their benefit. But I am being compensated on an hourly basis and it really helps provide some financial padding. Plus, I continue to receive regular monthly revenue from a a website that I manage on the side with another acquaintance.
Let me provide this anecdote to put this in a spiritual perspective. Last week I stopped in the chapel at the monastery to pay a visit, say “thanks” and to just be present with the Lord. While I was there I asked the Blessed Mother that if it were possible, I’d appreciate some assurance that I was making the right decisions and that things would be OK. It was a pretty casual request that was absent my sometimes tone of deperation. But a little validation is always a big confidence builder.
The next day, I was given a check by one of my partners for the month of August that was $500 more than the agreed upon amount. I then calculated the monthly invoice for the project work that I had done for my previous employer and it was over $1,000. Soon after, I received a call from my other website associate who proceeded to tell me that we had the biggest month ever in July during what is traditionally the slowest month of the year.
Whoa! I felt validated.
To further boost my awareness of the Lord’s continued presence and involvement in my daily personal affairs, I had a conversation with my Mom that was very uplifting. She told me that, on the same day I had made my chapel visit, she had gone to her parish church to help clean as a volunteer. While there, she met a woman from the parish who struck up a conversation. My Mom is a very cordial and patient person but she said that she was getting a bit antsy since she was late for her cleaning duties. But the woman continued to talk.
As she went on, she was talking about her grandchildren whom she had recently visited in Alaska. ( I know this seems to be spinning off into who knows where but be patient). The woman told my mother of one particular granddaughter of about 12 years old who was unusually spiritual. The young girl asked her grandmother if she could see the rosary beads that she frequently prayed with. The grandmother handed the beads to her granddaughter who clutched them to her breast, kissed them and then returned them to her grandmother. Soon after, the grandmother took out the rosary to find that the chain had changed from silver to a gold-colored metal. She was quite shocked.
She then reached into her handbag and took out these beads which she handed to my mother and said, “Here, say a prayer with these.” Flustered, my Mom was now in a rush and running quite late so she took the rosary and prayed, “Mary, please grant my children peace and prosperity.” She handed them back and hurried into the church.
“Terry,” she said, “that was the day before yesterday and here you are calling to tell me that you felt like you received the answer to a prayer. (It greatly comforts my mother to hear about answered prayers so I tell her whenever I feel like I have received an answer or blessing from the Lord.) And on that same day, I had this encounter with Mrs. _________ and her rosary. I think both of our prayers were answered.”
I haven’t a clue where things will go short or long term. But the journey of faith continues. I am longing for the day when I can say from my heart that I am rich in grace and blessings (which I am) and that all else will be provided by the Lord in the manner that most completely nourishes my soul.
A few nights ago I went for a jog in the early evening. The sun was low enough in the sky to avoid baking but the air was still thick with humidity. I love it. I get my best thinking done during these runs.
As usual, I used this time to pray the rosary and, being Thursday, this called for commemoration of the Luminous Mysteries. These have become my favorite meditations which is likely due to the fact that they are still relatively new since their introduction by JPII. Considering these events tends to more fully complete the narrative of Jesus’ life since it fills a rather large gap between the “Finding in the Temple” and the “Agony in the Garden.” But that night I had another insight into the nature of these mysteries that really connected with me and opened a fresh perspective for consideration.
As I dwelt on each mystery a consistent theme was developing from episode to episode. It occurred to me that each of the Luminous Mysteries represented a dramatic change or transformation, so much so that I believe these mysteries could also be titled the Transformative Mysteries or the Mysteries of Change.
First Mystery - The Baptism of Our Lord
After approximately 18 years of the hidden life, Jesus appears on the banks of the Jordan, joining others who desire to be cleansed by the waters of baptism. John recognizes that this is not necessary for Jesus but proceeds anyway as Jesus instructs. As Jesus comes up from the water his divinity and Sonship are confirmed by the Spirit, who drives Jesus into the desert. Jesus’ life is changed or transformed from one of dutiful son, established carpenter, average man to Son of Man and Savior. While he always was these things, this immersion and baptism calls him dramatically into the role of Messiah.
Second Mystery - The Wedding Feast at Cana
Having selected his disciples but still maintaining a low profile, Jesus continues to participate in the life of his community and attends a wedding in Cana. At the request of his mother, Jesus rectifies a potentially embarrassing situation by miraculously, but rather subtly, changing large containers of water into wine. Not only has Jesus himself changed from ordinary citizen to charismatic leader of a small group of perplexed but devoted followers, he demonstrates to them that he can and will change things. Nothing will be impossible and nothing will ever be the same. Jesus changes everything.
Third Mystery - Proclamation of the Kingdom
Jesus begins his public ministry. It is time for Jesus to move beyond the small group of followers and his family and begin to proclaim the Good News to all who will listen. He calls for repentance or metanoia - “change the way you think.” This radical change in his life calls for the former carpenter to step into a role that will gain him admirers and many enemies. He takes the first steps toward Calvary by reaching out to a world that hungers for Truth. As his public ministry begins the deaf hear, the blind see and the lame walk. Sins are forgiven and hearts are healed. As Jesus changes his life, many lives are also changed.
Fourth Mystery - The Transfiguration
Jesus takes Peter, James and John (I always wonder how Andrew felt about being left out since he was the first to follow Jesus) up the mountain and there they were witnesses as he was transformed from his earthly self to his divine self. (”While he was praying his face changed in appearance…”) This “sneak preview” of the glory to which Jesus is destined is a change that is dramatic though temporary. This change in Jesus allows the disciples to glimpse the divine while Jesus receives the counsel and support of the ancient prophets. Jesus changes his appearance and we share in the awe of the apostles while glimpsing the glory to which we are also called. By changing our lives we will share in the glory and brilliance of Christ.
Fifth Mystery - Institution of the Eucharist
This last Mystery of Light is the gift that Jesus left us so he would be present with us always until the end of the age. As they celebrate the Passover, he changes bread and wine into his body and blood and instructs the apostles to do likewise in his remembrance. The Catholic Church has followed Jesus’ instructions through the centuries and every day, in thousands of Eucharistic celebrations throughout the world, bread and wine are changed into the body and blood of Jesus Christ. And through the grace of the Eucharist we are given the resources to change and come more fully into union with God in the Trinity.
John Paul II so appropriately termed these the Luminous Mysteries. Each mystery reveals or illuminates Jesus mission and divinity at a different level and each either called for a change in Jesus life or a physical or spiritual alteration of a substance. Meditation on these mysteries brings us into a fuller understanding of the humanity and divinity of Jesus and challenges us to be open and responsive to the changes to which the Spirit calls us.
May each of us be illuminated by the Holy Spirit and receive the grace to change whatever we must change to become whatever we are called to become.
This past Tuesday I met with my spiritual director for only the second time in about six months. It is really a gift to have someone with whom you can share matters of the heart, soul and head. As sister frequently reminds me, there are no issues in our lives that are not related to our spirituality and our relationship with God. So job circumstances, financial concerns and family issues are all are intimately related to our prayer life and spiritual health.
There is something stirring inside me and I was grateful for the opportunity to share it with sister. In the past year or so I have become much more aware and sensitive to issues that I guess would fall into the category of social justice. But even more than considering headline topics like war, the economy and politics, I find myself dwelling more and more on the central messages of the gospel and how they are applied in our society and in my own life. It seems to me that if we truly took Jesus’ messages of love, sacrifice and forgiveness to heart the world would be a much different place…and I don’t necessarily mean better.
When Jesus began his public ministry he called for people to “repent.” And while he was instructing all to “turn away from sin,” he was actually calling for “metanoia” or a change in the way we think. There is an excellent and compelling explanation of metanoia from a Christian theological perspective in Wikipedia. In the description St. Basil the Great is quoted as saying that, “Repentance then should not be accompanied by a paroxysm of guilt but by an awareness of one’s estrangement from God and one’s neighbor.”
Over and over and over again I encounter reminders in my scriptural readings and in my daily reflections that we, as humans, are “fallen” and, as Basil says, estranged from God. Once we acknowledge that we are sinful and not what God has called us to be, then we must fulfill the call of Jesus to metonoia, that is, to repent and to “change the way we think.”
And this is where the difficulty arises. Inevitably, when there is a tragedy or a catastrophe, I hear the question of both cynics and believers, “Where is God?” or “How could a good and loving God allow this to happen?” And I find myself answering in my heart that if these things did not happen or God intervened to prevent them from happening then, essentially, we would be in Heaven. We are not in Heaven! We are in a fallen state; sinful and imperfect. We are in and of the world, a world whose standards Jesus calls us to reject. We, as Christians, are awaiting the demise of this world and the coming of a “new heaven and a new earth.”
And here is my point. There is only one man that lived the gospel message perfectly. And he was rejected, mocked, tortured and executed. Jesus warned his disciples that the world would hate them because they believed in him. And if they lived like him they would share his experiences. If they truly loved, if they sincerely forgave, if they rejected the ways of the world and looked beyond this life to the next as their calling and their goal, then the world would make things very difficult for them. They would be “fools” as far as the world is concerned.
As I think more about the essence of the gospel message, I feel challenged, unsettled and “disturbed” (as in the call to “let the peace of Christ disturb you”). How many of us are willing to turn the other cheek, lend without expecting repayment, forgive not seven times but seventy times seven times? How much material comfort are we willing to sacrifice for the sake of the gospel? Can we really love those who hate us and forgive those that persecute us?
Jesus speaks of the “ruler of this world” and he does not assign that title to himself. I believe that the ruler of this world would like us to believe that we can create a perfect world, that there can be heaven on earth. I think that he knows that our fallen nature would lead us to make bad decisions as we strive for a perfect world. In fact, the Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches that prior to Christ’s second coming there will occur “a religious deception offering men an apparent solution to their problems at the price of apostasy from the truth.”
So while we cannot create a perfect world, we can live perfect lives. And we can bring peace, joy and comfort to others, but at a cost to ourselves. We can truly love and offer forgiveness but we will appear as fools. We can be successful as Christians but failures in the eyes of the world. These are the topics I find myself considering on this American Independence Day. So many of us are politically free but spiritually shackled. We pray and attend church and consider ourselves saved and in the right. But we must answer the question that Jesus asked and continues to ask today: “Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord’ and not do what I tell you?”
Why? Because it requires metanoia, a radical change of heart. And it requires sacrifice and suffering and humiliation. The price is terribly high but the reward is infinitely great. Suffering and joy are not incompatible. Sacrifice and peace are not mutually exclusive. And our vision of a perfect world cannot compare to the glory that awaits us in the Kingdom.
I know this may sound like a strange observation but “life goes on as life goes on.” What I mean by this is that while certain circumstances may be demanding a lot of our time and energy, the rest of our lives continue to move forward no matter what else absorbs us. (or, as John Lennon said, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”)
I spend a lot of time thinking and writing about my job, money and anxiety challenges but, as obsessed as I may seem by these topics, I do have a life that marches forward even while I am contemplating that which is of most immediate concern. On Memorial Day (an American holiday celebrated to commemorate our war dead though some southern states don’t treat it as a holiday which I found out when I moved to South Carolina and had to work that day) I was attending a holiday cookout at my mother’s house. I received a call from my son, who was at home, to tell me that my oldest daughter’s boyfriend had called and asked to talk to me.
Now, to put this in perspective, my oldest is 24 and has been living with this boyfriend for about two years. While we are not happy about this, we accept her decision as an adult (misguided though it may be) and while we have had some major challenges with oldest child/daughter in the past, she has developed an astonishing level of maturity and responsibility since deciding to co-habitate. In fact, my wife and my daughter have progressed from near fisticuffs a few years ago to being virtually best friends.
Anyway, the message was to call the boyfriend when we returned home that evening. We did and he was at our house within minutes. The reason for his visit was to let us know that he was going to present my daughter with an engagement ring and also to ask our permission to become engaged to our daughter.
In this age of anything goes and given the existing living arrangement, I was pleased and impressed at this traditional approach to becoming engaged. Since we weren’t consulted when they moved in together, we didn’t expect to be involved in this decision at all. I was truly grateful that there was this level of respect by the boyfriend to inform us of his intention and to seek our blessing. The engagement was going to be a surprise so we were even in on it before our daughter. And, completely by coincidence, boyfriend ended up proposing and presenting the ring in the little North Carolina resort town where daughter spent most of her childhood vacations.
I have prayed during my rosary that daughter would do the right thing and become legitimately wed in the eyes of the Church and of God. That is indeed where we are headed and I am truly grateful.
So, now there is a wedding to look forward to. No date as yet but the engagement is official.
So, life goes on as life goes on. In a few days I’ll leave the financial security of a stress-filled job and enter the riskier but less-stressful ( I hope, I hope I hope) world of the entrepreneur. And a wedding will be planned and, somehow, paid for with mucho praying and the help of God.
Well, I am just about one week away from saying “Adios” to this place. Interestingly enough, there has been some discussion about me doing some freelance work for the agency after I leave. I am open to that strictly from a financial perspective as long as I don’t have to live here everyday and can say “no” when it doesn’t make sense. But my commitment will be to my new company and my partners.
I feel a bit sad about a couple of circumstances associated with my leaving. The guy in the office next to me has used me as a sounding board since I arrived last year. He is in his 30s and I think he appreciated having someone older with some experience to vent to periodically.
His father died suddenly while I was on my San Francisco trip and when I returned he was out of the office making funeral arrangements in New Hampshire, When he returned, we spent some time talking about his situation and the impact on his Mom and on his life in general. A few days ago he came into my office and was talking about a Boston Celtics win in the NBA finals. He said that it would be normal to get on the phone with his father and talk about the game but he couldn’t do that now and then he started to cry. He apologized and I told him to quit apologizing for everything and to know that he could come in to my office and be anything or any way that he felt like he needed to be.
My heart broke for him but I was so grateful that he felt comfortable enough to drop the “smiley face” facade that he tends to put on everything and let go in front of me. I took it as a great compliment and, while I had no real answers or great words of consolation, I was glad to just be there for him. I think there is way too little appreciation for the act of just being present for those in need. I know that I get upset with myself sometimes when I don’t have just the right words or can’t think of just the right thing to do when someone is hurting. But when I think back on my difficult times, what I appreciate are those that were just there for me. All I wanted was a sympathetic ear or a shoulder to cry on and that was enough. So often, that is how we can be Christ to others…by just being there.
When it’s good, it’s really, really good. And right now, it’s good.
I am in that sweet spot where I’ve done all of the dirty work related to leaving this job and I have yet to fully absorb the worries and responsibilities of the new gig. I am focused on doing my work but not encumbered by the stress of wondering what’s around the bend. It is a delightful feeling that I am relishing while I can.
Tonight I will go home and then go for a run. It is gorgeous weather right now and I want to be outside. When I get home from my run I will put some plants into pots and try to turn my deck into a colorful haven to which I can retreat when there is time. And I can do all of this right now without a knot in my stomach and and the perpetual sense of dread that has accompanied me for the past year.
I also love the feeling of being able to come to the Lord in prayer without a laundry list of personal requests. It is liberating to be able to pray with a spirit of praise and thanksgiving and focus on the needs of others without the distraction of me. I am truly grateful for this peaceful time and intend to make the best of it.
Well, I did it. Went in to my boss today and gave notice. Frankly, it could not have gone better and he could not have been more gracious and understanding. I am almost ashamed for anticipating the worst from him. He completely understood why I was leaving and we had a fairly lengthy talk, man-to-man, about work, careers and life. At the end of the discussion he wished me luck and extended his hand. Pretty classy. But I’m still glad I’m leaving.
Now I have to put this life and faith experience into action in my next venture. I really need to trust the Lord in this matter and leave everything to him. Heaven knows, I’m trying but I am still struggling with fear and anxiety. Hopefully, prayer and therapy continue to erode these fears.
Speaking of therapy, I had a fairly powerful experience in group last night. I was sharing the fear I had about giving notice and I stated that just thinking about it made me somewhat emotional. My therapist said that he had heard me speak of experiences of fear and pain of people in life leaving me but he asked me to talk about this apparent emotional association with being the one who leaves. As I started to talk about this, I become all choked up and couldn’t continue. As I tried to talk about it I became more upset and actually started to cry. If I had not tried to control myself there is no doubt that I would have begun sobbing.
I really don’t know where this came from but it is apparent, once again, that there is a lot of emotional healing that needs to take place. I truly hope and pray that I can gain this healing so that I can be whole for myself and my family and anyone else that needs me.
Well, I’m back and, after taking inventory, I don’t believe that I left my heart or any other body part in San Francisco. The city has a lot of personality and there is a lot to see and do. But there is no place like home.
We did the touristy things…Alcatraz, Fisherman’s Wharf, Golden Gate, Lombard Street, cable cars, clam chowder in sourdough bread bowls. Even managed to squeeze in a quick trip to Napa and a winery visit. Beautiful country.
We went to Mass at Old St. Mary’s in Chinatown. Whenever I travel, I am always so very pleased with the familiarity of the Eucharistic celebration. It always brings to mind the statement in the Creed that the Church is “one, holy, catholic and apostolic.” They had a very nice religious goods store attached to the church and Kathy insisted on visiting to “get some ideas for my store.” I hope she never loses the dream.
One thing that I seem to have left in San Francisco was a healthy stomach. Not sure whether it was the traveling that has screwed up my system but screwed up it is once again. After many months of being 100% stomach-problem free the same nasty symptoms have returned over the past few days with a vengeance. One good thing is that I am ultra-aware of the onset and I hope that it is strictly travel related. Just not a good time since I am planning on giving notice shortly.
Speaking of which, I have decided to break the news on Friday. I figure there is no “good” time to do this so I may as well get it over with. This won’t be easy or pleasant but I still am surprised that I am as nervous as I am. But a friend did say, “I’ll bet you’re not looking forward to telling your boss.” That made me feel like maybe I’m not so strange after all.
This trip has got me all out of whack with my prayer habits. Need to get back in the groove and put these beads back to work. Jesus and Mary deserve this from me.
Just to keep things interesting, the Lord added another factor to this scenario. My boss took me to lunch today and we talked about the agency and my place in the agency. He again stated that I was doing a good job and then proceeded to “reward” me with a significant (and I do mean significant) salary increase.
While I am grateful and flattered, all this does is make a difficult situation more difficult. It does not change my decision. I don’t think that you can put a price tag on peace of mind. I have no idea what the future will bring. It may bring prosperity or it may bring more financial challenges. But it will not find me in the same state of anxiety due to job stress simply because I chose money.
Either the Lord is testing me or the devil is trying to confuse me. Hope I passed the test because I’m not that confused.
I have had three very busy weekends in a row. Wedding, graduation party, baseball game, chores for Mom, and much needed spruce up around the house during any down time. But since making the decision to move on from this place of employment I have felt more peace and less stress than I have at any time during the past year. That must account for something when weighing the wisdom and prudence of the decision I have made.
Tomorrow I head for San Francisco with my wife. While it is a business trip, there will be plenty of down time and we are going to make it a mini-vacation. Kathy has really been looking forward to this and I did not want to do anything to jeopardize this trip. So I bit hard on my tongue when my boss called me into his office last Friday and proceeded to document his expectations of me and some of the events recently that he “doesn’t like.” He is holding me accountable for a recent account loss and the rocky relationship with another account. In his words, “I don’t want to be bringing new business in one door and seeing other business go out the other.”
Yes sir, boss. Whatever you say, boss. Just don’t cancel my trip to San Francisco.
This conversation about expectations is supposed to continue today so I’ll just agree to whatever’s said knowing that I’ll be saying bye bye soon. But I won’t like it.
On Memorial Day I made it a point to take a break and visit the Dominican chapel. There I said the rosary as the nuns chanted psalms. I have been remiss in this devotion and one thing I am hoping to do once I am free from such a rigid schedule is spend more time in prayer. Hopefully, my prayers will be less desperate and more inclined towards praise and thanksgiving.
I find the peace that I have experienced lately as a validation that I have made the right decision. I believe that peace indicates the Lord’s presence and is an indication of his will in given situations. It certainly doesn’t mean that things will be easy but it does indicate to me that I’m headed in the right direction. Anyway, I’d rather be poor and at peace than financially stable and in turmoil.
While we’re at it, being financially stable and at peace would be a very nice combo. (Hope you’re listening, Lord!)
